From the Mailbox

We would like to share some excerpts with you. Names have been blocked out to protect the guilty. But they know who they are.

• I am a young artist, do you have an art section? Sent from my iPod

• Nazis is one of essential and the most fashionable topic in the modern art. If someone wants to succeed and to show himself as a serious artist, he should catch on Nazis or the Holocaust subjects.

• I am interested in how one is recognized in the shows section of your website. I would like to present you with our upcoming solo exhibition by XXXX, a master Japanese pornographer, with an international cult following, of which we will display a collection of his racy photographs.

• I am writing to ask if you would like an article on square dancing to publish over the summer. We have around 160 square dance clubs in the UK, mostly in England, all of them run on a non-profit basis. Square dancing is a healthy, low-cost hobby for all ages and, like all forms of set-dancing, teaches young people co-operation and good manners, as well as improving confidence and co-ordination. It can also be used to teach mathematics.

• Bonjour, I am a French painter!

• This is a slightly unusual method of letting you know about a really good story, but as a proud Dad, here goes. My daughter XXX, and her partner are launching a major work at the XXX next week. Please find a moment to look at the attached press text, and check the press images on the website!

• I run a London based company that does Pre-Stained Underwear. I realize this is probably not your usual fare but the company is small and indie, and is not looking to court a bunch of people that think a good read is flipping through the pages of Nuts. Whether or not you consider what we do art, we definitely do. I was wondering if you would be interested in doing an interview with us? • XXX is the hottest property out of London’s art schools. He graduated this year from XXX with his Skull splatted ice cream dogs and Nazi babies exploding from vaginas on elastic umbilical cords under machine gun fire to have a Trustee of XXX and the new Doctor Who buy his work! XXX immediately got a major show on Cork Street, had Jake Chapman and Rhys Ifans pose with his work, and interest from the bass player from the Super Furry Animals and Ade (from Snatch and Casino Royale). XXX is the hottest emerging artist around, and you can see why when you look at his art. Write about him!

• Rolling Stones Legend shares his passion for history! Bill Wyman’s Signature Detector is the first easy-to-use, light-weight effective metal detector available to people of all ages wanting to find their own piece of history. If you’d like to feature the Bill Wyman Signature Detector, or have an interview request, or require a sample for testing, please feel free to contact me. • Ladies and Gentlemen, Respected Members of The Media, Press & Artworld! I introduce myself to you all today exclusively. The greatest artist of the modern age! I welcome your feedback. • Prior to capturing imagery of dead rats and rummaging through condemned houses and museum archives to find juicy shots, XXXX had a more traditional photographic career. His work is the most conceptually rich, also formally gorgeous, that I have seen in some time. Enjoy!

• Good afternoon. I would like to introduce myself. My name is XXX. I am 36 years old and an aspiring British artist. I have been painting for approximately two years now and have developed a unique style of work encompassed in ‘The Birth of Art’ philosophy I have developed. I write to you today with the suggestion that you may like to write an article about my groundbreaking work which has recently been described as ‘the most unique and powerful work seen since Salvador Dali’s work in the early 20th Century’. The question has been asked: ‘Am I the new Banksy?’ I look forward to hearing from you soon!

• Hi! Fresh from the GQ 100 Coolest things XXX have upped the game and taken fashion and art to a whole new level. Check it out! If you want to know what life is like in Milan for these two trendsetters now that Prada is such a major power in the art world, how four pages in i-D affected their lives, or how they feel the machismo Italians will relate to their new more sensitive works (will they follow the rumours and move to London?!) then ask me for a press pack/interview!

• A Cricklade couple have been dubbed ‘Mr and Mrs Suzuki’ by neighbours after they and their two sons bought three new cars by the Japanese manufacturer in a six-week period. I hope this story is of interest to you.

• Hello. Me announces you the exhibition of my monumental sculpture. Which is a big project. I and my team would like to set contact with one of your journalists. Is it possible?