Obscure Objects of Desire

I am old enough to know that there are no discernible rules dictating whom people find attractive; attraction often defies analysis or rational explanation. With wry amusement, I recently became aware of the awful truth that I was rather taken with a minor British TV personality: the ordinary, though not entirely unbeautiful, Philippa Forrester. The closest I have come to comprehending why, is that she appears to have the enthusiasm and overbite reminiscent of a girl I once loved. Anyway, these things happen.

Foolishly deciding to see if anyone else shared my predilection, I was initially relieved to find a mass of Philippa Forrester material on the internet, indicating that I was not alone. This soon turned into disappointment, as my delicious deviancy became less satisfying in direct proportion to the numbers sharing it. The more I read and the more links I followed, the further I was dragged inexorably into a world almost entirely populated by the unsound.

Elaborate websites display her entire career and educational histories; critical appraisals of her abilities as a presenter, including 'often brilliant', 'classic Philippa asides' from her old work with puppet co-presenter Edd The Duck; vital statistics, transcripts of interviews (radio, TV and print); video grabs from television recordings, divided and then subdivided into arbitrary categories. The Unofficial Philippa Forrester Picture Library contains 139 pages, each holding numerous images, and is visited 200 times a day.

There appears to be an inner circle of fanatics responsible for the majority of these sites, and they are also the main participants in the newsgroup alt.fan.philippa.forrester. The most bizarre aspect of these individuals who lord it over their group is that they evidently view themselves as guardians of Ms Forrester's honour. They assert its purpose 'is about treating the lady with respect'. The 'charter' for the group sets out the etiquette demanded in participation and includes the pronouncement that the group should not be used for 'too much personal-life gossip stuff', yet the same people spend their time creating sites crammed with pictures of 'flipper' in compromising positions with a bicycle pump, oblivious of their hypocrisy.

The author of the charter and at least two other websites managed to engage Ms Forrester in correspondence. He proudly explains that she wrote to saying that although the site was 'a bit of a shock' to her, 'you have my support and yes, please carry on'. We also learn that she was quoted in the Sunday Times as saying 'it was done with so much respect, I didn't try to stop it'. In her position I would say the same, not wishing to antagonise a man deranged enough to convince himself that his hundreds of obsessed hours spent idolising, recording and cataloguing a minor TV presenter is 'a bit of fun'. Shortly after this, the BBC requested his site be taken offline, citing some obscure legality relating to image rights. However, the webmaster still believes he is approved of by his desideratum and appears content in this delusion.

Philippa Forrester is not alone, however, and many other female minor celebs have their devotees, whose web sites and bulletin boards collect and disseminate images and video clips of those deemed 'sexy'. These are listed alphabetically (by first name of course) and include useful descriptions such as: 'Carenza Lewis - Time Team, Bra Strap', 'Zoe Ball - Upskirt; White Knickers on a Boat' and 'Philippa Forrester - Tight Purple Dress'. The largest of these sites, 'Rob's Relaxed Celebs' (www.rrs-bbs.com), offers its entire collection of 11,000 images for sale on 2 CD ROMs. These have been 'scanned, grabbed and accumulated over the last ten years by myself or my "inner circle" of contributors - or just uploaded to the BBS by ordinary users'. Rob appears to collect images of any female caught on any screen but his mission statement tells us his preoccupation is with British Celebrities from Adele Silver (whoever she is) to the actress Zoe Wanamaker. The treasure chest at www.treasure.force9.co.uk is a similar site but gives preference in terms of numbers of images to 'Nick's favourite women' which uninterestingly include Dannii Minogue and Gillian Anderson.

This would be funny were it not so odd. With the easy availability on the internet of images of people engaged in every conceivable sexual activity, it seems strange that sites depicting fully clothed minor television presenters should exist and flourish. Perhaps the only way to understand the appeal is to acknowledge the suggestive stimulus created by an illicit glimpse of that which is not supposed to be seen - I felt compelled to look at Philippa in the tight purple dress.

The internet has a way of convincing you that somewhere there is vital information to be had if only you knew how to find it. But, as in a dream, the object of the search is always just out of reach, just one link away. The quest itself becomes the point; the object gradually losing its value until one arrives at the realisation that there is nothing to be found. There is only the searching.

Philippa Forrester ceased to be of relevance - it was no longer she who fascinated me but those engaged in her worship. The time spent by those writing and reading these web sites elevates 'celebrities' like Philippa Forrester to a position unjustified by their ordinariness. The display and justification of such devotion on the internet is weirdly interesting but ultimately unsettling. As a result, during the course of my odyssey, I found that my appetite for Ms Forrester diminished with each click of the mouse; proof enough that a momentary flash of unaccountable desire should be left at just that. Indulge such an inclination at the peril of opening a can of very odd worms. Yesterday, by chance, I caught sight of her on TV and, well, she does resemble a chipmunk. Sorry Philippa. You don't mind if I call you Philippa do you?